43 Funny Christmas Quotes From Movies (That Will Have You Laughing All The Way)

43 Funny Christmas Quotes From Movies (That Will Have You Laughing All The Way)

Christmas is a joyous time full of warmth and cheer. Among all the good things to do on Christmas, one of the best ones is to gather your friends and family together with some snacks and settle into a Christmas movie marathon.

Thinking about what movies to watch this Christmas? Why not watch a funny Christmas movie? Share a laugh and create some good holiday memories by watching these funny Christmas movies.

How do we know that these movies are funny? Well, check out some Christmas quotes from these holiday movies. We guarantee you’ll be laughing all the way to the credits.

Funny Christmas Quotes From National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.

This movie chronicle’s the efforts of Clark Griswald (played by comedian Chevy Chase) to ensure that his family has a memorable Christmas, in the midst of mishaps and the unexpected arrival of his cousin Randy and his family.

This particular quote from the movie is included in a lot of lists of “funny Christmas quotes” and while on its own, it is pretty chuckle-worthy, it's actually part of a longer monologue that showcases Chevy Chase in his “classic” best. 

The whole monologue isn’t very “family-friendly”, Chase drops in some English expressions that are considered mild swear words, which are probably why a lot of Christmas quotes lists stop here, but if you are curious about how the whole quote goes, here it is.

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Here are a few other funny quotes from the movie. As you can see, many of them border on “not family-friendly”, but if you are okay with some toilet humor and mildly offensive language, you will find plenty to laugh about in this film. 

1. Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

2. Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

3. Clark: [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"] It's a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

4. Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

5. Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

6. Clark: Christmas is about resolving differences, and seeing through the petty problems of family life.

Ellen: Yeah, and it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs, and your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip, and then they don't speak to each other...

Clark: Your mother waxes her upper lip?

Ellen: She has for years.

Clark: Doesn't show.

Hilarious And Heartwarming Christmas Quotes From Elf

This Christmas movie is about a man who was raised by elves in Santa’s workshop. After one too many mishaps, Buddy (played by Will Ferrell) finds out that he’s actually a man and sets out to find a place for himself in New York City. Along the way, he gets up to some “fish out of water” hijinks where he tries to adjust to the modern world and falls in love.

Though this movie only came out in 2003, it’s already considered one of the greatest Christmas films of all time. It’s even inspired a Broadway musical and an animated television special. 

Here are a few funny Christmas quotes from the movie. You should definitely watch the whole thing, to find more and have some hearty, holiday laughs.

1. We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.

2. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

3. You have such a pretty face; you should be on a Christmas card.

4. I am a cotton-headed ninny muggins!

5. Son of a nutcracker!

6. You sit on a throne of lies.

7. There are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn’t free candy.

8. If you see a sign that says “Peep Show”, that doesn’t mean that they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas. 

9. This place reminds me of Santa’s Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.

10. Leon the Snowman: Why the long face, Buddy?

Buddy: It seems I’m not an elf. 

Leon the Snowman: Of course you’re not an elf. You’re six-foot-three and have had a beard since you were fifteen.

Fun and Funny Christmas Quotes From Jingle All the Way

Arnold Schwarzenegger might be a bit more famous for his action hero roles, but he occasionally likes to show off his comedic chops, as he did in this 1996 family comedy.

Schwarzenegger plays Howard Langston, a workaholic father trying to make good by getting his son a Turbo-Man action figure. Sinbad plays Myron Larabee, another father who is also trying to get a Turbo-Man for his son. Unfortunately, they both put off their shopping trip till Christmas Eve…

1. Put that cookie down!

2. I’m not a pervert! I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll! 

3. I’m gonna deck your halls, bub.

4. We get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!

5. Santa at Door: Password.

Mall Santa: Jingle Bells, Batman smells.

6. Howard Langston: You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits.

Mall Santa: What did you call us?

Howard Langston: You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals!

Mall Santa: At the North Pole, they are fightin' words, partner.

7. Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!

Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.

Myron Larabee: Thank you!

8. Liz: Howard, I've been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him.

Liz: And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...

Howard Langston: What?

Liz: What did you get me?

Funny Christmas Quotes From The Santa Clause

This comedy Christmas film asks the important questions of the season: Who is Santa Claus and how did he get the job?

Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) just wanted to check out what was making the noise on his roof. He didn’t mean to startle Santa Claus. In doing so, however, he finds that he needs to put on the suits and become the jolly old man himself.

1. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?

2. Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.

3. We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.

4. Sarah: Santa, how come your clothes are so baggy?

Scott Calvin: Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats!

Sarah: How come you don’t have a beard?

Scott Calvin: Because I shaved. (Pulls out a toy) Now, do you want this doll or not?!? Go back to sleep!

5. Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!

Scott Calvin: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.

6. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And when I wake up, I'm gettin' a CAT scan!

7. Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.

8. I'm not a kid, I have pointy SHOES that are older than you... I'm an elf.

Lines From Christmas with the Kranks That Will Have You Laughing

Who would ever want to skip Christmas? Luther and Nora Krank, played by Tim Allen (again!) and Jamie Lee Curtis, decide that this is what they want to do after their daughter isn’t going to be home for the holidays. 

The Kranks' plans are met with disapproval from their neighbors, but they stand firm. . . until their daughter calls and tells them she’s coming home after all.

1. You're skipping Christmas! Isn't that against the law?

2. What happened to the hickory honey ham?

3. I didn't think to ask the butcher where the chocolate was!

4. Nora Krank: Why would we want to get tans before the cruise? I thought the idea was to get them DURING the cruise.

Luther Krank: Look at us, we kind of look like an uncooked chicken.

5. Walt Scheel: Does this mean we have started being nice to each other?

Luther Krank: Of course not.

Walt Scheel: Good, cause I still don't like you that much.

Luther Krank: Well, that's great. I'm not fond of you either.

Funny Christmas Quotes From Home Alone

Christmas is all about family time, unfortunately for Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin), his large extended family has accidentally left him home for the holidays.

The intrepid eight-year-old must then defend his family home from a pair of burglars by creating a series of elaborate booby traps, while his mother struggles to make it back home for him.

This is the first of a series of family-friendly Christmas movies that are as heartwarming as they are funny. 

1. I made my family disappear

2. This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back.

3. Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale.

4. Merry Christmas you filthy animal

5. Megan McCallister: You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?

Buzz McCallister: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors, and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.

6. Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.

Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.

Kate McCallister: How could we do this? We forgot him.

Peter McCallister: We didn't forget him, we just miscounted.

Kate McCallister: What kind of a mother am I?

Frank McCallister: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.

So there you have it, six of the best and funniest Christmas movies available. If you would like to check out a few more, we suggest the following: Love Actually, A Christmas Story, Ernest Saves Christmas, and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Happy holidays and happy movie viewing!

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